It is important everyone take responsibility for behaviour

A11

Children
Claire Hanlon

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We are all human. We all say and do things that are not perfect. We will all have times when we need to apologize for our words and actions. This sounds simple enough but have you ever considered how to apologize sincerely?
When our children make poor choices, we hear ourselves urging them to ‘Say you’re sorry.’ While it is important for our children to acknowledge they have hurt someone else, saying the words ‘I’m sorry’ is often meaningful but is only the starting point. If you stop there, you do not necessarily make the person who was hurt feel better and do not take responsibility for your behaviour.
There are many different theories about what makes an authentic apology. I have taken these theories into account and created an Apology Checklist that families can use to begin a process of meaningful apology:

• Say you are sorry and be specific about what you are sorry for (your words/your actions).

• Think about how your actions or words made the other person feel and express that you understand their feelings and the part you played in creating those feelings.

• If you do not know how the other person feels, ask them to tell you how they feel.

• Ask what you can do to help. By asking the other person how you can help them to move past their hurt, you are acknowledging that you want to make better choices in the future and that you want to be part of the solution to healing their hurt.

• Follow through with your commitment to make better choices next time a similar situation arises. This will demonstrate to others that your apology was sincere and that you learned from your mistakes.

Depending on the ages of your children, alter the list to best suit your family or use it as a guideline for creating your own apology checklist. Ask each family member to commit to using it when someone makes a choice that is hurtful to another family member. Remember that parents must also commit to this process. As our children watch us apologize effectively and be accountable for our words and behaviours, they will learn by example that everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, we are all learning, and that ultimately we all care about, love and respect one another enough to apologize.
We often say in our home, ‘When you know better, you do better.’ That is to say that we may not all be perfect, but as we learn how our actions affect other people, we are more likely to make better choices in the future that will be positive and respectful of those we love the most.

Claire Hanlon is a family consultant with a background in child development, education and counselling. She specializes in the positive and holistic development of parents and young children. Contact her at celebratingchildren@hotmail.com.